Yule Time Break-Up

Its Yule time! Gift giving, merriment, mistletoe! Me, carrying around my own decorated box. My box is not one of those small dainty boxes that only in my dreams, heart all a flutter with excitement, say this man is the one. Just three weeks ago, turns out, he wasn’t. So I behold my box of tissues. My whole body hurts, but somewhere through the tears there is “sensible me” realizing that I should have seen this coming from the first day we met. 

The Holiday Celebrations newly single, ugh! My friends are telling me that this is wonderful timing, with all of the gatherings I am bound to bounce back in no time. But, pulling myself out from under the covers is like peeling paper towel off a half eaten lollypop. Except to drag myself off to work I’ve been doing the Vogue in Fashion Pajama look for the last couple of weeks. This has not been my successful fashion moment. Facing the eggnog crowd, feels overwhelming; Where is he? Oh that’s too bad Sweetie! 

I know I need to be doing things to get a handle on all of this. Moving apartments in a city like New York is not easy; everywhere I look holds memories of him. Christmas of years past are in each snowflake, decorated store front that we toured, the lights, the music, and smells of the winter holidays. The magical Christmas last year when he told me that he wanted to face the world, he and I together, forever and ever. Oh and New Year’s Eve, sipping champagne arm in arm making snow angels on the lawn at my parents’ house. Guess his forever was the eight years we were together. Makes me ask myself was I in love with him or was I not wanting to be alone? How could I have been with someone for so long and overlook so many signs that were right there in front of me? 

I watched the Christmas Trees get ornamented for their display, and the store windows on Fifth Avenue become cretively dressed with the whimsey of current St. Nich. Memories of childhood loving New York’s Christmas transformation, interplayed with memories of the last eight years with him. My tissue box in hand, sight seeing Fifth Avenue yet another year, I began to realize that maybe all of my memories with him did not need to be negative and sad. Yes, it did feel sad to be alone this year. But maybe my friends might be right in a way. 

Seems like we all want connection and love in our lives. I’ve read that brains themselves are wired towards wanting this connection and that as little tiny infants it actually takes a second brain other than our own brain for our brain to actually develop. It is in this relationship that even our very brain maps develop; our synapses, neurons, and dentrites connect. So we need connection from the very beginning of life. We thrive when we feel connected to others. 

The sadness I am feeling over this break-up is in part a loss of the connection he and I had. The connection produced a chemical called oxytocin. So, I am actually going through oxytocin withdrawal. 

I catch an image of myself in the store window. Eyes red and puffy, even under the hood of my jacket it looks like I haven’t combed my hair for weeks.Tears silently falling. My heart actually hurts. Does it show? Can everyone see the hole I feel inside? 

But I realize that having gotten outside has lightened the heaviness I feel. With this new awareness, I head home to figure out other ways that might help me get through this holiday season and begin to feel better. Eight years brought good and bad, but at this point I decide eight years and 3 months, which is the amount of time we were together is enough. I am ready to move forward, and make the efforts.

Here is the list I came up with, if this can in any way help anyone else, go for it:

• Get outside, take a walk, exercise (outside of the house).

• Smile at people, even if I don’t feel like smiling. 

• Just show up, isolating is only going to lead to sadness.

• Do activities that I enjoy, whether it is making something, hiking, going to see theatre, movies, going to museums, hanging out at a particular place where there is music, start doing the things I used to do. 

• Its ok to feel whatever I feel, if I am out and need to leave because I am feeling non-social all of a sudden - leave. If I arrive late because it took me a while to get it together to get there, ok. If I need to go to the restroom for a break, so be it! Having self acceptance of emotions is important while I am at the same time going out doing things.

• Its ok to have fun!

• This probably helped me most of all. I started to realize all that I do have. Every morning before letting my feet touch the ground I said 20 things I was grateful for. 

• It is ok for me to ask friends and family to be there for me. 

Wishing You All A Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year!